There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
