just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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