Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize