it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
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