Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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