my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
