3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
