Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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