I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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