I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Barsexuality is the new black.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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