i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
