well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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