Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
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