i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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