im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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