I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
