I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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