I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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