I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
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