matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
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