im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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