You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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