i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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