No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Randomize
