we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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