I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Randomize
