I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
