I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
