Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
