I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
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