dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
