It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
It's just like the Real World with babies
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Dicks are not precious.
Randomize
