I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
