Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Randomize
