found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
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