dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize