I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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