you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
