do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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