do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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