drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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