You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
