Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Randomize
