Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
