wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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