He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
