best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
