At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
