I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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