Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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