Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
