Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
i drank out of a bidet.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Randomize
