I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
