fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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