morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
