you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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