My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
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